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Seven Worst Things You Can Do on the Morning of Your Wedding

10/08/2011 15:45:00

Seven Worst Things You Can Do on the Morning of Your Wedding

Any bride is going to have a lot going on the day of her wedding. But do yourself a favor and try to avoid these seven wedding-day mistakes.

By Meredith Bodgas

So this is definitely stating the obvious, but as the bride, you want to look and feel your best on your wedding day. Do any of these things and you might compromise that goal.

1. Check the hourly forecast.
I made this mistake and wound up spending way too much time thinking about how there was a 70% chance of thunderstorms predicted for the hour my outdoor wedding ceremony was taking place. Not only did it not rain then, but it was blindingly sunny for my walk down the aisle. Even if a rainy forecast turns out to be right, thinking about how it's going to rain doesn't help your wedding happiness.

2. Cry.
I don't know about you, but my nose turns bright red and I get pink circles around my eyes when I cry — and I stay that way for a good half hour after I stop. While some pre-wedding tears can't be helped (your mom surprising you with the bracelet she wore as a bride), others can (your bouquet having roses instead of ranunculus). Control the tears whenever you're able to, and avoid all-out sobbing, which can leave your eyes bloodshot and face puffy long after the tears have dried.

3. Try a new food.
The morning of your wedding is not the time to broaden your culinary horizons if you're at all prone to food allergies. While you may want to start off your wedding day with a dish more exciting than you're usual bowl of cereal, make it a meal you've enjoyed (without an adverse reaction) recently.

4. Eat foods that'll bloat you…
…or make you gassy, for that matter (they often go hand in hand). Broccoli, cauliflower, and beans are known culprits. Avoid these and anything else that makes you feel less than your best (because if you think that corset was tight before…).

5. Talk to anyone who might upset/annoy/frustrate you.
True, you may not be able to get out of talking to that Debbie Downer hair salon receptionist, but definitely don't seek out a soul who could raise your blood pressure just by speaking. You'll already be on edge from nervousness; don't engage those who could send you over the edge.

6. Watch or read the news.
The day before I got married, there was a horrible crane accident in New York City. One of the men who didn't survive was supposed to get married soon. I couldn't help but think of him and his poor fiancee all day long. Knowing what's going on in the world is a good thing — just not on your wedding day if you're the type of person who gets hung up on tragic stories.

7. Try a new drastic beauty treatment.
We've said it before, but it's worth repeating: Don't apply self-tanner for the first time, don't get a facial, and don't get your teeth whitened on your wedding day (the week before is fine, though). Basically, stay away from anything with an unpredictable outcome.

CHANGE OR NOT CHANGE, THAT'S THE QUESTION

05/15/2011 11:49:00

More women are taking their new husbands' names after marriage, research shows. But the decision continues to spark debate and confusion.
The trend toward women keeping their maiden names after marriage peaked in the 1990s, when about 23% of women did so, then eased gradually to about 18% in the 2000s, says a 35-year-study published in 2009 in the journal Social Behavior and Personality. And increasingly, studies show women's decisions on the issue are guided by factors other than political or religious ideas about women's rights or marital roles, as often believed.

Well-educated women in high-earning occupations are significantly more likely to keep their maiden names, the study shows. Brides in professional fields such as medicine, the arts or entertainment are the most likely of all to do so. Age makes a big difference too, according to a 2010 study in a scholarly journal entitled "Names: A Journal of Onomastics." Women who married when they were 35 to 39 years old were 6.4 times more likely to keep their names than women who married between the ages of 20 and 24.

In fact, the idea that women who keep their maiden names are better breadwinners is becoming a stereotype that some people use as a basis for judging women's ability. In a Dutch study published last year in the journal Basic and Applied Social Psychology, researchers had 90 students compare hypothetical women they had met at a party based on whether they took their husband's names. Those who did were judged as more caring, dependent and emotional, while those who kept their names were seen as smarter and more ambitious.

Researchers also asked 50 students to screen e-mails containing hypothetical job applications from women. The candidates who had kept their maiden names were more likely to be hired and were offered salaries averaging 40% higher than their name-changing peers. (Among limitations of the study, the sample was made up of students who probably lacked much job experience or other criteria upon which to base their judgments.)

Either way, picking a last name can be fraught with complications. Some women lie awake nights before their weddings trying to decide what to do. For women who change their minds later, some vendors even offer "name change kits." Still, changing your name mid-career, as some of my colleagues have done, can lead to confusion among co-workers, clients or in my profession, readers and sources.

Splitting the difference by keeping both names, as many women do, "is a recipe for confusion," one woman writes in an email. She kept her maiden name professionally but uses her married name sometimes outside work. Now, "I never know how to introduce myself," she says. Her driver's license bears one name and her voter registration the other, and she receives summonses for jury duty in both names.

My Juggle colleague Rachel also uses two different names -- her maiden name professionally and her married name personally and officially -- which can lead to lots of mixups, she says. "Readers and colleagues know me by one name and the HR department, friends and the IRS know me by another," she tells me. "I didn't want to give up my byline, which I've had for many years. But changing my name was important to my husband for a lot of reasons, and ultimately we wanted our family members to all have the same name."

Readers, how have you handled this decision in your marriage? What kind of reactions to your decision have you received from other people? Has keeping your maiden name or changing your name been a hassle for you? Have any of you changed your names mid-career?

Why are the differences between a man and a woman so valuable in marriage?

03/14/2011 10:38:00

Why are the differences between a man and a woman

so valuable in marriage?

Marriage is between two entirely different kinds of people-a man and a woman-who complement each other in extraordinary ways. When they treat each other as equals, they both greatly benefit from their differences. By respecting each other's vastly different perspectives, and building their lives on the wisdom of those different perspectives, they grow together much wiser and stronger than either would ever be by themselves. But when each spouse ignores the other's perspective, making choices that benefit him or her independently, they lose that advantage which leads to unhappiness in marriage.

The position I've taken over the past 40 years that a man and woman are entirely different from each other has been very controversial. When I first wrote His Needs, Her Needs in 1986, many considered me to be far behind the times. But my background in neurophysiology convinced me of its truth very early. When I taught the course, physiological psychology, I was able to provide each student with a human brain to dissect, and there were both male and female brains distributed throughout the class. I wanted each student to notice the vast differences between them. They not only looked different, they functioned differently. I wanted each student to fully understand why men and women think differently. It's because their brains are different.

Women have far more connections between the left and right hemispheres. The connecting band of fibers called the corpus callosum is much thicker in women than in men. There are more connections between neurons as well, and there are more neurons -- 12 billion more. And yet, their brain is smaller. I could go on and on describing the differences -- how their brains develop differently, how they age differently, how their emotional expressions are triggered differently, how their abilities are reflected in differences, and, of course, how these differences are responsible for creating different emotional needs. There is a far greater difference between the brains of the average man and woman than there is between the brains of representative people of all racial groupings on earth. Racially and ethnically, we are essentially identical. Sexually, we are vastly different.

But while I demonstrated the differences between the brains of men and women to my students, I stressed their equal value. They complement each other. The strengths and weaknesses of male cognition balance the strength and weakness of female cognition. Together they offer a more complete perspective on life than either can have on their own. All that's required for those specialized advantages to express themselves in real life was for every husband and wife to have profound respect for the differences in the way they viewed the world and think together to find mutually appealing solutions to the problems they face.

Throughout human history, however, their physical and mental differences have led to widespread discrimination by men against women. We should not be surprised at that tragic result because whenever there have been differences among us, we have tended to discriminate. And since there are no greater differences than there are between a man and a woman, we should expect sexual discrimination. It's been less than 100 years that women have even had the right to vote here in America because they were judged to be intellectually inferior. Instead of seeing women as an essential complement to their lives, men have tended to view them as personal property that were to serve them throughout life, much like slaves. Men viewed themselves as superior in every way, and felt that the judgment of women was inadequate to make final decisions, even when it came to voting.

Thankfully, we have seen justice for women. Education, the ultimate equalizer, has proven that women are every bit as intelligent and creative as men. In fact, they are now in the majority in most colleges and universities. Every male college student can attest to the fact that women are in no way intellectually inferior.

But while a man and woman are of equal value, they are not the same. A woman is a valuable complement to a man and a man is a valuable complement to a woman. Throughout my career, I've seen that difference benefit a husband and wife in marriage. I've witnessed how they need each other to become whole. And the wisdom that each one brings to a marital relationship raises each of them to a higher intellectual and moral level than they could have ever achieved on their own. But for that to happen, they must first and foremost respect and value each other.

I use the analogy of a husband and wife standing back to back, describing what they see to each other. Each is unable to see more than half of the horizon, but together they see it in its entirety. It would be a terrible mistake for either of them to claim that they had the only true vision of the world, and that the other should be guided exclusively by their vision. It's only when they respect the differences in their perspectives and they learn from them, that they gain a complete knowledge of the world.

My primary reason for encouraging couples to value each other's opinions, perspectives, and interests is that their differences can help both of them create a greater life than either could have created on their own. Mutual respect in marriage means that the feelings and interests of both spouses are of value. One spouse's interests should not dominate the interests of the other spouse. It's marital democracy. In this company called marriage, the spouses are co-CEOs.

But that doesn't mean that each spouse must lose their right to make decisions of personal benefit. It's just that their choice must also benefits the other spouse.

I'll illustrate that point with my cardinal rule of marriage, the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. That rule focuses on mutual respect and consideration in marriage. Differences in physical strength, earning power, and even intelligence do not alter the equation. Power is granted to both spouses equally. But the default condition, doing nothing, would be a disaster if that became the norm. For a marriage to succeed, agreement must be found, and that's where personal choice comes into the equation. It's assumed that both spouses are able to express their perspectives to each other, and to negotiate an outcome that works to the advantage of both. They are at liberty to do whatever works for both of them. Doing nothing ruins both of their lives.

When you decide to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, you are giving each other equal power in your marriage. Neither of you can force the other to do anything, or to put up with anything either of you decides to do. Your choices must work for both of you or you don't make them. With enthusiastic agreement as your goal with every conflict, you will learn to appreciate the differences in perspective that you bring to the issue. You will try to gain a better understanding to the vast differences in the way you both think and reason. It's only then that you'll be able to see what works best for each other, instead of trying to force your own way of thinking on each other.

That's why marital problem-solving requires mutual respect and understanding. Trying to demand compliance, or showing disrespect for your spouse's alternative point of view, or deciding to go it alone, making an independent choice, leads to marital failure. But it does more than that. It prevents you from coming to know an entirely different kind of person, someone not at all like you. It's someone who can make your understanding of the world much more complete if you regard that person as an equal, and show your profound respect for what he or she has to offer you in wisdom and support.

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LOVE IN FULL BLOOM - FLOWERS, COLORS AND DESIGNS

03/12/2011 21:53:00

Perfect roses, plump peonies and precious daisies have won many a bride's heart. Bountiful and beautiful, flowers express your wedding palette like no other. From ceremony to centerpiece, flowers are the consistent visual element linking all the activities of your wedding day.

Do not be intimidated if you don't know the difference between an orchid and a lily. A patient and creative floral designer will help you identify your wedding style. When interviewing a floral designer observe their use of color, texture, and overall flair. Share your ideas and your vision, and be open to their suggestions. Examine a designer's portfolio at their studio. Do you enjoy being in their space? A good floral designer understands display, presentation and scale. Pictures in their portfolio should inspire, mutually generating ideas. Ask about the rentals they provide, as many have large prop closets filled with arches, chuppahs, and vases of every size, shape, and style.

With your designer selected, the creative process begins. Supply your floral designer with as much detail as possible. Let them know the particulars: wedding date, time of day, style of wedding (formal or informal), ceremony and reception locations, linens, and a general idea of your budget.

BE PREPARED How to express exactly what you want when you don't know the particular names of flowers? Pictures, pictures, pictures. Before your first initial consultation, gather as much visual detail as possible. The more pictures and magazine clippings you provide, the easier it is for the designer to create your special look. Snapshots of your venue, along with items you would like flowers to accentuate (from your hair to the Rolls-Royce) are all essentials. Swatches from table linens and the wedding party wardrobe (mothers', bridesmaid', flowergirls' and your own gown) are always a big help. Don't be afraid to bring pictures of completely different arrangements and bouquets that grab your attention. A good designer will help you identify, focus and incorporate elements.

TIME-OF-DAY Chosen wisely your floral arrangements should last throughout the day. Some flowers hold up beautifully in the sun; others are better suited for indoors. Let your designer know exactly the time and month your wedding is taking place. A good designer will advise you on what flowers remain perky and perfect under the palm trees, and which wilt before the wedding reception.

THE BOUQUET The star of all your floral choices is your bouquet. Understand bouquets come in all shapes and sizes. From petite nosegays to showering cascades, realize the size and style you select will affect your overall look. First pick a bouquet style that suits your height, frame, and gown. Then combine different blossoms of varying shapes and size, or compose a delicate bouquet of one type of flower. From timeless white, to rich, jewel-toned shades of reds and purples to exotic tropical stems, the selections and combinations are endless.

CEREMONY LOCATION Before making decisions regarding ceremony florals, check with your venue for possible restrictions. Some churches request that altar arrangements remain on-site for weekend services. A cost saving tip: determine if your ceremony flowers can be repurposed for your reception. Ceremony arrangements are ideal for buffet tables, and aisle flowers can be used to decorate powder rooms, staircases and small hallway tables. Using these items twice helps maximize your budget.

RECEPTION LOCATION Your reception location is a big influence in determining your floral design needs. High ceiling venues call for bolder, more dramatic arrangements, while an outdoor venue can be accented with rustic, potted and flowering blooms. Let your floral designer know the size of your reception equipment (dining tables, place card tables etc) during your initial consultation so the scale of your arrangements will be perfectly balanced.

CENTERPIECES The options are many: elegant vases filled with cut flowers, towering candelabras, potted orchids and detailed topiaries are magnificent design statements. Clusters of smaller arrangements or scattered rose petals around densely packed votives are dual centerpiece and favor options. Except for the "14 inch rule" dictating that centerpieces should never obscure guests' vision across the table, there are no hard and fast rules. Mix, match and think "outside the box."

PERSONAL FLOWERS In addition to bouquets and arrangements you'll need to select personal flowers. The ever-forgotten groom is taking a larger role in selecting boutonniere styles. Popular combinations are lavender and calla lily, pristine lily-of-the-valley paired with bay leaves, or the perfect gardenia. For mothers and honored women, romance is in vogue: diminutive nosegay bouquets in silver Victorian holders, a simple but elegant single rose and, of course, the always feminine wrist corsage.

FINISHING TOUCHES What better way to tie-in your cake with the rest of your wedding, than with a floral cake topper? Echoing your floral choices of bouquet and centerpiece, the cake topper is the perfect statement on your delectable dessert. If the budget allows, consider adding a few more finishing touches. Sprinkle petals on serving trays and weave garlands along buffet stations. Finally, do not forget the loveliness of greenery and plants. Ficus trees wrapped with twinkling lights and magnificent potted palms add dimension to all venues.

Wedding flowers are steeped in symbolism, tradition and meaning. Use this opportunity to share your love and sentiments. Be prepared for the compliments to follow.